This is an issue that I am loathe to write about, mostly because it is deeply personal and one would hope that we were beyond this sort of thing.
I cannot understand why people around me in an immediate sense and a secondary sense feel that they are entitled to comment on or to demand details about my personal life based entirely on their perceived stance of concern, superiority or just plain ignorance.
I have been involved with the same person since I was 16 years old, albeit it was mainly long distance peppered with long overdue trips to see each other. That in itself was a challenge both for myself and for the people around me. But that is now irrelevant as I am in my mid twenties and we live together. The very fact that we made it this far for this long should stand as a testament as to how committed we are to one another, especially as we have outlived many 'normal' relationships and marriages. Anyone that knows me knows the kind of obstacles we've faced, especially in the last few years.
What I'm coming to realize is that maybe all this time it wasn't the long distance nature of things that really irked people like they claimed when they would pull me aside out of 'concern'.
It seems that most people have a fatalist attitude to the most relationships whether it be their own or someone else's. This isn't anything new. Divorce rate is going up, people just aren't willing to stick with their choices. I know not all relationships are able to survive, that isn't a practical way to look at things. I don't condone abusive relationships, for instance. Nor do I think you should stay together if there is no feeling between you. Those are real issues that legitimately end in separation or divorce if one is lucky or strong enough, depending. But those are not issues that pertain to him and I.
My boyfriend is an Arab and a Muslim. There, I said it. And now cue the chorus of quickly intaken breaths, the hands to hearts, the fainting, the puking, cursing, peeing, whatever form your chosen mode of shock and disgust might take. I myself am a combination, like a lot of Canadians, of predominantly white ethnicities mixed in with some Aboriginal. People that look at me would see my dark hair, dark eyes, strong eyebrows and white skin. I guess it's the latter that makes a difference.
Since the beginning of my involvement with my BF there has always been a certain amount of issue against his alleged threatening background. The guy is British, people. He has a full out English accent. He's grown up all around the world. Even if he did grow up in the Middle East it wouldn't matter. A lot of his, and therefore my, friends grew up in Middle Eastern countries and they are absolutely lovely. They have actually for the most part been better friends and people in general in times of need than the people that perceive them as violent and savage and were meant to have my back. (And this is in large part because of their upbringing in Islam which focuses on helping their fellow man, being kind and being generous.)
This sort of behaviour towards my involvement with an Arab is reminiscent of what one reads about biracial weddings between people of white and black descent from decades ago. It seemed to be even more shocking if it was a white woman that was marrying a man of colour, like she'd been tricked or coerced or maybe she was mentally ill and didn't know any better.
The ostracization (now a word, okay?), segregation and disgust over such relationships is now widely looked at with shame. But it's also something we generally look at as in the past. I know it's not completely old news, I know it still happens but one has to agree that we kind of log it away along with separate water fountains and bathrooms. At least I hope we do.
I suppose that since we have vilified Middle Eastern people in the press for so long, it's become somewhat socially acceptable to immediately see a beard and brown skin and panic. White guilt now suppresses that when it involves a person of African descent, at least in a person deemed to have good manners and an open mind. When I traveled to Dubai a few years ago, a lot of people practically tied me down fearing I'd go and have my head chopped off or I'd come back a broken woman or I would just plain not come back. My family were in a complete frenzy of worry on my behalf. I can't entirely blame them as none have traveled outside of North America and even for me the idea was quite daunting.
Something you learn from traveling is that it really is a global community; every country is populated by people thinking, hoping, wanting, doing the same things. Wondering about the weather next week, writing down shopping lists, running after toddlers, going out for sushi, calling friends, stressing over work, striving to be a better person, etc. It's all the same. Circumstances and environment differ, but we're all struggling through the same ordeals.
And that's the thing, isn't it? It really depends on where you're born and who you are born to. You deal with what you are dealt. Your perception of the world differs because of that, as do your choices and situation. If my predominantly atheist or christian family and friends were born in the Middle East, they'd almost certainly be Muslims. Muslims that would fear and perceive the west as a looming threat to their rights and culture.
I want to say right now that I am absolutely sick to death of hearing people ask me if I have seen the film "Not Without my Daughter." about a woman whose husband takes her back to see his family in Iran only to revert into the apparent brute he was hiding all along, forcing her into a Burqa and stripping her of all her rights, including the right to leave the country or to do anything but sit in a dark room. All based on a true story and it is a harrowing one. (What's ironic is Arabs would point out that Iranians aren't Arab, they're Persian. Everyone shifts the blame along, really.)
These are my issues with that film being used as proof I'm in trouble. One, it is produced by Hollywood. Two, abusive husbands are not solely Arab. Three, unequal marriage and bullying over child custody is not limited to one colour either. This sort of hostage taking, abuse and general brutishness happens in households of every colour, religion and region. Four, the film came out in 1991. Check your dates on the Gulf War, please. Shock! Surprise! 1990 - 1991. The ending scene of her stumbling onto American soil and seeing the American flag flapping triumphantly in the wind isn't a coincidence. Remember how a lot of baddies in film and media during the Cold War were Russian? Yeah, that. The formula doesn't change, just the skin colour.
Because people think I'm in constant danger they feel that gives them the right to say whatever plummets out of their mouth. I have been asked if my BF is a terrorist so many times. I've been told that if we get married I will have to walk 4 paces behind him and wear a Burqa. I've been told that Arab men just want white women to get a hold of their family's money. (Ha! That's gotta be out...) I've been told I won't be allowed to work, I won't be allowed to wear make up, I'd be giving up my freedom. Quite a few of these are delivered with laughter like it's a joke.
Imagine for a second that you're my friend and you're just telling me you're getting engaged and I, with my concerned face on, gently tell you that maybe you shouldn't because I heard that white guys like to love their wives in the face with their fists. Do you see how sickening that is?
I'm not even going to enter into the religious aspects, at least not right now. The only thing I will say on the matter right now is that whenever I have taken abusive concern from people (because that is how it feels) on my relationship and they base their accusations on my BF's religion, I just ask if they know any Muslims or if they know what Islam is. Oftentimes they can't answer even "what is the difference between the word Muslim and Islam?". To the Christians I relay that Islam accepts and respects Jesus as a prophet. Should see their wild eyed confusion then. But enough of that for now.
So if my BF decides to let his beard grow in (something he never does if there is a flight or a trip coming up for fear of harassment) he is usually treated with suspicion and fear. Whether or not you're clean shaven doesn't have anything to do with how you treat women. I don't really have anything to fear when going out in public with him cos he is really the best body guard. He'd hate to read me say that but it's true and we both know it.
This has turned pretty long and rambling but what I want to say is that my involvement with a man of a different colour doesn't put me in any more risk than getting involved with a man of any colour. Relationships are tough for the most part anyway. People say "well, he might change..." like he's a time bomb waiting to go off. People, that is true of ANY person. You're taking a risk in any relationship. Please don't burden me with your prejudices and racism. Just because you are spouting your racial profiling out of concern doesn't mean it is any less racist. That is your problem, not mine.
07 March 2012
03 March 2012
Highschool is a Liar Liar Pants on Fire.
I went through elementary school figuring that High School held a lot of my burning questions. What will I be like when I'm an adult? What kind of car will I drive? What sort of friends will I have? Will I have lots? What will I be when I grow up? What will I look like?
This formula made me miserable. I didn't really fit into any of it and I couldn't see a way I could stuff myself into it. I guess I gave up on it because I felt it was a lost cause. I started to obsess about just getting through the high school years and getting into university. High school told me that that was impossible unless you were in every extra curricular activity and were at least on the honour roll for every report card. Teachers told me to aim lower.
I had this crazy dream that I'd get into art school, learn a skill set and that would equal a path into my chosen field, which was photography. That's a whole other blog post.
I guess this is on my mind a lot because so many people I know have degrees, they put the time in at university, some even flew through it with stunning grades. But the common theme I found was that hardly a one of them seem to be any more set for a fulfilling career than I am. So many fall into the mundane and stay there because there just doesn't seem to be anything else and then the rest of life falls down around you (settling down, pregnancy, family, illness, disability, loss) and you just do what you can.
Teachers are adults. They know all of this but they still don't tell us. CAPP (career and personal planning) class can kiss my hiney because it's the most fraudulent class there is. Very few 16 year olds know exactly what they want. Very few 25 year olds know what they want. I would hazard to say that there's no age limit on that. CAPP taught me that if I went to university, did well, I would be welcomed into the ranks of my chosen field. My very aptitude in some respects practically guaranteed it.
This is what CAPP should have been about.
There are no guarantees. I know people that didn't even finish high school and they're in jobs that make them very happy. I know people that failed high school and they will probably work in retail or customer service till they retire. I know people that have 800 degrees and they're still not doing what they want. I know people who excelled in the school system, secondary and post secondary, and they are doing really really well.
I suppose there isn't a right answer. I suppose you don't always know what you want or where life will take you. I just think the bubble needs to be popped and that the skill sets taught to young adults need to focus less on getting through the system and more on being an individual capable of taking their individual choices and seeing them through.
I also think it wouldn't hurt for there to be some learning focused on whether University is worth the life long ball and chain of student debt just for the sake of Taking The Next Logical Step.
Learning is a precious gift, but institutions aren't the only place it's possible to learn anything worthwhile no matter what they tell you.
I guess that's pretty naive but I think it's something that most kids seem to believe will be opened up for them upon entering the fortress like building of High School.
When one starts High School, you step into a world completely set apart from your expectations. You don't typically find a preformed group of aggressively bubble gum chewing hair twirling blonde bitches. There aren't letter jacket wearing tobacco chewing beefy jocks waiting to flush your hair in the toilet. That group of offbeat colourful oddballs you might've hoped to join? (I mean, they have the best storylines in all the tv shows and movies.) They don't really exist.
I mean, yeah, that stuff does happen but not in such a clearly defined and segregated way.
All that moaning aside, because that isn't really what I wanted to moan about, High School just didn't prepare me, or really anyone I know, for the reality of life. And that reality is anything goes.
This formula made me miserable. I didn't really fit into any of it and I couldn't see a way I could stuff myself into it. I guess I gave up on it because I felt it was a lost cause. I started to obsess about just getting through the high school years and getting into university. High school told me that that was impossible unless you were in every extra curricular activity and were at least on the honour roll for every report card. Teachers told me to aim lower.
I had this crazy dream that I'd get into art school, learn a skill set and that would equal a path into my chosen field, which was photography. That's a whole other blog post.
I guess this is on my mind a lot because so many people I know have degrees, they put the time in at university, some even flew through it with stunning grades. But the common theme I found was that hardly a one of them seem to be any more set for a fulfilling career than I am. So many fall into the mundane and stay there because there just doesn't seem to be anything else and then the rest of life falls down around you (settling down, pregnancy, family, illness, disability, loss) and you just do what you can.
Teachers are adults. They know all of this but they still don't tell us. CAPP (career and personal planning) class can kiss my hiney because it's the most fraudulent class there is. Very few 16 year olds know exactly what they want. Very few 25 year olds know what they want. I would hazard to say that there's no age limit on that. CAPP taught me that if I went to university, did well, I would be welcomed into the ranks of my chosen field. My very aptitude in some respects practically guaranteed it.
This is what CAPP should have been about.
There are no guarantees. I know people that didn't even finish high school and they're in jobs that make them very happy. I know people that failed high school and they will probably work in retail or customer service till they retire. I know people that have 800 degrees and they're still not doing what they want. I know people who excelled in the school system, secondary and post secondary, and they are doing really really well.
I suppose there isn't a right answer. I suppose you don't always know what you want or where life will take you. I just think the bubble needs to be popped and that the skill sets taught to young adults need to focus less on getting through the system and more on being an individual capable of taking their individual choices and seeing them through.
I also think it wouldn't hurt for there to be some learning focused on whether University is worth the life long ball and chain of student debt just for the sake of Taking The Next Logical Step.
Learning is a precious gift, but institutions aren't the only place it's possible to learn anything worthwhile no matter what they tell you.
02 March 2012
Voter Fraud in Canada.
If you felt that the last election didn't and still fails to represent you as a Canadian then it might just be good intuition.
Apparently there was some intervention in the last vote. As many as 45 ridings reported fraudulent calls directing people to false voting stations and despite this Elections Canada and the RCMP are only looking into one case. This is a petition that looks to change that and possibly lift the veil on this ploy.
You just have to add your name and your email address, these people won't spam you if you choose you don't want them to contact you on other world issues though I recommend you let them pass on the information they have to give. It's literally 45 seconds out of your day.
I don't normally push my own beliefs and agendas on Facebook or Twitter or whatever as I know people don't want it waved in their face and will usually skip over it anyway. But considering the choices our government has made in the last while and how it makes me feel as a Canadian abroad and how it makes other people of other countries look at me and my country I just feel ashamed.
And now I just feel let down. People joke that we are America's Hat or America Lite but I never want that to be the case. I don't have anything against Americans as a people, please understand that, but I do not want to be lumped in with the decisions and the policies their leaders have branded them with.
It feels like that's the way we are going and it's heightened for me because of the fact that I have been in the UK for 6 months. The Canadian identity I'm proud of is one of tolerance, acceptance, humanity and it is multi-cultural. It believes in the rights of its people and their choices. It supports green initiatives.
I know this was super long winded but please read and sign the petition and pass it along. We don't often make our voices heard as a country and it's that sort of complacency that allows this kind of immoral and deviant political tactic.
XO
Manda
http://www.avaaz.org/en/
Apparently there was some intervention in the last vote. As many as 45 ridings reported fraudulent calls directing people to false voting stations and despite this Elections Canada and the RCMP are only looking into one case. This is a petition that looks to change that and possibly lift the veil on this ploy.
You just have to add your name and your email address, these people won't spam you if you choose you don't want them to contact you on other world issues though I recommend you let them pass on the information they have to give. It's literally 45 seconds out of your day.
I don't normally push my own beliefs and agendas on Facebook or Twitter or whatever as I know people don't want it waved in their face and will usually skip over it anyway. But considering the choices our government has made in the last while and how it makes me feel as a Canadian abroad and how it makes other people of other countries look at me and my country I just feel ashamed.
And now I just feel let down. People joke that we are America's Hat or America Lite but I never want that to be the case. I don't have anything against Americans as a people, please understand that, but I do not want to be lumped in with the decisions and the policies their leaders have branded them with.
It feels like that's the way we are going and it's heightened for me because of the fact that I have been in the UK for 6 months. The Canadian identity I'm proud of is one of tolerance, acceptance, humanity and it is multi-cultural. It believes in the rights of its people and their choices. It supports green initiatives.
I know this was super long winded but please read and sign the petition and pass it along. We don't often make our voices heard as a country and it's that sort of complacency that allows this kind of immoral and deviant political tactic.
XO
Manda
http://www.avaaz.org/en/
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