Exercise Demons

Lemme just say from the get-go: I hate exercise. I do not enjoy it except in the smallest degree.

I should be honest and clarify this by saying I usually only hate exercise when standing on doorstep of actually doing it. I seem to enjoy it when I can actually do it, like when I was on a swim team in my teens and a brief period when I first moved to Vancouver and joined a gym I later abandoned when I couldn't afford any more Personal Trainer sessions with a lady that was awesome, inspirational and Damn Tough.

I remember those couple months with great affection. The gym I went to was on the 4th floor of this weird shopping mall that used to be an old brick government building. After my sessions I would cling to the railing and slowly lower myself down the 634,000 steps to street level as the muscles in my legs had been replaced with goo.

My muscles pressed against the surface of my skin and I could run! I ate well, in the way my body deserved, not in the way my brain kept telling me was good enough. I woke up each morning with energy, not totally cotton brained with fatigue. (I should also point out that at this time I was working in a physically demanding job in a seafoods warehouse type place, lifting and carrying a lot of heavy weight from 9:30 - 6, 5 days a week, on top of doing full time studies. Having energy anyway was amazing to me.) I felt and looked great, full of excitement about the future. Eventually the job put stress on my joints and mind and I gave up the gym, feeling guilty all the time.

Earlier than that was my swimming days. I absolutely love(d) to swim. There is no other exercise that I get fun out of, as in actual enjoyment in the action itself. I remember doing a swim-a-thon of some sort or purpose, being pledged to do over 200 laps of the pool. I remember (maybe not accurately) swimming well over 15 km that day, reaching a sort of dreamy out of body physical exhaustion and strength I haven't felt since then. Is that what runners call "the zone"? The thing I remember clearly from this time in my life was a coworker of my Mother's seeing me and exclaiming, "WOW! You're thin" in a really unflatteringly surprised tone of voice.

These times have been bracketed by longer periods of time of soft bodied jellyness and apathy. When I graduated University I was unemployed. With nothing to do and living in terrible roommate circumstances I went into a deep depression, fed by a lot of different things that seem fairly typical of new graduates. There were days where I only lay in bed from sun up to sun down, dozing to avoid thinking about anything. This went on for quite awhile, and I gained weight fast. My body sprung out in stretch marks like a rash and this pushed me even deeper into my self loathing. I tried to put on a pair of jeans from the previous summer and couldn't even pull them past my knees. I had changed that much in that much time. This was still not enough to spur me to make a change though.

That time of my life to now have been the hardest I've experienced. I don't know how much longer the struggles I'm dealing with will go on for, there isn't a plateau in sight. But I'm tired of practically feeling my residual muscles and toning fading away, a bone deep ache. The weight of my troubles shouldn't be such strong shackles, but there you go. I'm weak that way - it's always the first few steps that fell me.

So I guess I'm putting this out there in writing to force myself into a kind of spot light. My ego and pride push me much harder when there are witnesses to my goals and attempts. I don't have a goal weight, I have a goal feeling I guess. I want to go into shops and not have to shop all the biggest sizes or no sizes at all. I want to be able to wear something I like cos I like it, not cos it miraculously fits without adding further sins. (as in, WHY ALL THE RUFFLES AND ELASTIC PEASANT WAISTS FOR BIGGER SIZES! It does NOT help matters!) I want to feel good, I want to be able to physically do things, like run. I still remember the feeling of having a strong body capable of actual feats of strength.

I hate exercise now because it's still defeating me. I need to force the issue, a kind of debridement of my will power and resultant laziness. I've taken my measurements and some before photos.

Wish me luck, dudes.

New Years Edition

As we come to the newest year I have been thinking quietly about the things I am thankful for. This last year has been full of transitions, pitfalls, lessons, smiles, tears, freak-outs, family, severely tested patience, full out tantrums (my own and others'), bear hugs, heartache, tummyaches, belly laughs and touching someone else's puke (albeit with industrial rubber gloves).

I would say that the good has been slightly outweighed by the not good. The bad news keeps coming. This seems to have been the trend for the last 4 or 5 years. This is not to say it hasn't been a good yea.r, in fact I would be quick to point out that the fact I feel this year was good despite this ratio says a lot.

I suppose there are mainly two things which I have struggled with this year; first there was transitioning into living with a partner whilst also having only recently moved to a new country continent. Most the struggles have come from adjusting to either balancing another person's ideas and needs against my own or adjusting to a new culture (And it is another culture, trust me. Not as extreme as moving to a country that has an entirely other language, but still sometimes it seems I'm speaking a different language to every one else).

Secondly, it seems that the years of resolutely looking no further than next week or next month at most have caught me up. This has been compounded by my unwavering tendency to completely ignore my problems and issues in favour of focusing on everyone else's. This might be passive, as in catering my responses and character/personality to make everyone else more comfortable.

This has become a big problem for myself because I don't know that many people really understand or know even half of what I am and even more disturbingly, I don't know if I do either. I am a bundle of appropriate responses. It's exhausting and that was exactly what I wanted. If all my time were taken by other people's issues then I could avoid unravelling the choices I've made. Perhaps this is being a bit unjust though, because I take care of others out of genuine regard and compassion as well.

The combination of all these things caused my body and mind to come to a complete screeching stop a couple of months ago. Once I stopped, I guess I noticed the scenery and I didn't like what I saw. I would prefer to think of myself as brave but I am coming to fear/know that the opposite is true. I'm emerging from this realizing I don't have to ask permission to do, think or feel things. That they occur to me means that I own them and can decide where they go. There is a sense of freedom and a great, heavy sense of responsibility that comes with that.

My last life changing goal was going to Emily Carr University. I achieved that without making myself a next step and ended up stepping through thin air and completely face-planting. The time since just before graduating has been wasted by avoiding thinking about what I wanted to do next.

Now that I'm actually looking at the wound I suppose it isn't as bad as I'd feared while trying not to look. I can feel the pieces starting to rearrange into something usable though the overwhelming feeling of helplessness and fear of the unknown future are still pressing their weight against the door trying to get in. I suppose at this point it's less a question of "who am I?" as it is "who do I want to be?". I have some tenuous answers already but for now they're mine alone.

ANYWAYZ!

Serious stuff aside...

Things I Did: 2012

- I relearnt how to knit! I jumped straight in by knitting some tiny booties and scared the crap out of my bf. "No!" I was quick to clarify, "That was the just first project in the book!" After saying it I could totally hear how flimsy an excuse that seemed. But I swear! It really was just the first project.

Right now I think they're lurking under the sofa, mismatched in size and awaiting their chance. I'm making a baby present for a lovely friend of mine, when it's done I'll put up a photo because I LUFF EET!

I've been making things out of this giant ball of green (my favourite colour) and upon finishing them, completely unravelling them and starting a new project. Also I have thrown a project to the ground in frustration. The former is pretty zen and buddhist like sand mandalas, the latter is neither. But it felt AWESOME.

- I started drawing regularly again. I'm so pleased that I've done this because I have been genuinely enjoying it. I enjoyed it before but there was always this sense of frustration because I was always wanting it to look like someone else's work or someone else's style. My style is messy, erratic, you can see the loose ends. I am this way with most things I make; pottery, painting, drawing, knitting, photographing... there is always a strange uniform quality of being able to see the feet of the man behind the curtain. I used to berate myself for my complete lack of perfectionism. This is a highly valued quality in the arts and for good reason. But it's not me and I just can't fit into it, try as I have.

- I have started writing. I have maybe half a dozen short stories started and I aim to finish them soon and share them.

- I saw and connected with long unseen family and it was amazing. I am grateful for the chance I had to do so, God knows when I might have such a chance again.

Things I Love:

I make this list at the new year in my sporadic journals, it's a bit like things I'm thankful for but in a very simple way.

- Rain on a thin roof
- The sound of cars whooshing by in the rain
- Half melted popcicles
- Retro clothing, hair, make up but decor for the most part
- Cooking for loved ones
- Knowing I have unconditional love, and unconditional love to give
- Rows and rows of multicoloured yarns and threads calling out for me to buy them
- That shiver I get when I have snapped my shutter on my camera and already know I will love the result
- Milk dissolving in tea or coffee
- Hot tea hitting the bottom of my stomach
- Bear hugs
- Shocking people that still think I'm sweet, innocent or demure with a well timed remark
- Grocery shopping
- The pond and park by our apartment
- The smell of paint
- Fresh sage
- Writing/drawing in my journal at a cafe
- Cheese on toast
- The flip flop my heart does during the most mundane of moments in my shared life; glancing up and finding S. already smiling at me, washing dishes together, seeing each other and being equally as happy about it after only a short time apart, laughing at the same exact things, crying at the same exact things, other gaggy mushy stuff.
- Endorphins after pushing my body to the wobbly muscles stage
- Actually getting 'round to exercising
- Hats
- Gloves
- A line dresses that don't end above my knees and are not sleeveless
- Elegant wool coats
- Dry underpants after swimming in cold water

Things I want for the coming year (also known as "Resolutions"):

- Stability
- Be more consistent in writing in my journals
- Be more consistent in writing
- Be more consistent in replying to emails
- Be more consistent
- Feel comfortable in my skin (I have actually let go of my need to look "beautiful", I'm moving towards looking like a healthy and strong me.)
- Better examine and commit to my relationship with religion or spirituality or whatever one would call it
- Allow myself to create things without the pressure to be "good"
- Push myself to reach out to other people (in a local sense.)
- Figure out what career path I want to work towards
- Figure out what and where I and we want for our relationship to be and go
- Have something published (Anywhere, anything. I don't care where)
- Better eating habits
- Better exercise
- Better my Japanese language skills
- Start a foundation in learning Arabic (So S. and I can talk about cashiers in front of them. I know they love that from experience, y'all.) (Also, I already know how to say "where's the remote?", how much more do I need to know really.)

I'm sure there are others but that's ALL YOU GET!

This was a rather sombre post but it's all compounded from a million hours of selfish contemplation, and that is rarely funny. For realsies.

Maybe more funny later. Maybe.