Exercise Demons

Lemme just say from the get-go: I hate exercise. I do not enjoy it except in the smallest degree.

I should be honest and clarify this by saying I usually only hate exercise when standing on doorstep of actually doing it. I seem to enjoy it when I can actually do it, like when I was on a swim team in my teens and a brief period when I first moved to Vancouver and joined a gym I later abandoned when I couldn't afford any more Personal Trainer sessions with a lady that was awesome, inspirational and Damn Tough.

I remember those couple months with great affection. The gym I went to was on the 4th floor of this weird shopping mall that used to be an old brick government building. After my sessions I would cling to the railing and slowly lower myself down the 634,000 steps to street level as the muscles in my legs had been replaced with goo.

My muscles pressed against the surface of my skin and I could run! I ate well, in the way my body deserved, not in the way my brain kept telling me was good enough. I woke up each morning with energy, not totally cotton brained with fatigue. (I should also point out that at this time I was working in a physically demanding job in a seafoods warehouse type place, lifting and carrying a lot of heavy weight from 9:30 - 6, 5 days a week, on top of doing full time studies. Having energy anyway was amazing to me.) I felt and looked great, full of excitement about the future. Eventually the job put stress on my joints and mind and I gave up the gym, feeling guilty all the time.

Earlier than that was my swimming days. I absolutely love(d) to swim. There is no other exercise that I get fun out of, as in actual enjoyment in the action itself. I remember doing a swim-a-thon of some sort or purpose, being pledged to do over 200 laps of the pool. I remember (maybe not accurately) swimming well over 15 km that day, reaching a sort of dreamy out of body physical exhaustion and strength I haven't felt since then. Is that what runners call "the zone"? The thing I remember clearly from this time in my life was a coworker of my Mother's seeing me and exclaiming, "WOW! You're thin" in a really unflatteringly surprised tone of voice.

These times have been bracketed by longer periods of time of soft bodied jellyness and apathy. When I graduated University I was unemployed. With nothing to do and living in terrible roommate circumstances I went into a deep depression, fed by a lot of different things that seem fairly typical of new graduates. There were days where I only lay in bed from sun up to sun down, dozing to avoid thinking about anything. This went on for quite awhile, and I gained weight fast. My body sprung out in stretch marks like a rash and this pushed me even deeper into my self loathing. I tried to put on a pair of jeans from the previous summer and couldn't even pull them past my knees. I had changed that much in that much time. This was still not enough to spur me to make a change though.

That time of my life to now have been the hardest I've experienced. I don't know how much longer the struggles I'm dealing with will go on for, there isn't a plateau in sight. But I'm tired of practically feeling my residual muscles and toning fading away, a bone deep ache. The weight of my troubles shouldn't be such strong shackles, but there you go. I'm weak that way - it's always the first few steps that fell me.

So I guess I'm putting this out there in writing to force myself into a kind of spot light. My ego and pride push me much harder when there are witnesses to my goals and attempts. I don't have a goal weight, I have a goal feeling I guess. I want to go into shops and not have to shop all the biggest sizes or no sizes at all. I want to be able to wear something I like cos I like it, not cos it miraculously fits without adding further sins. (as in, WHY ALL THE RUFFLES AND ELASTIC PEASANT WAISTS FOR BIGGER SIZES! It does NOT help matters!) I want to feel good, I want to be able to physically do things, like run. I still remember the feeling of having a strong body capable of actual feats of strength.

I hate exercise now because it's still defeating me. I need to force the issue, a kind of debridement of my will power and resultant laziness. I've taken my measurements and some before photos.

Wish me luck, dudes.