Wilkommen.

So I decided to make a public thingy cos I got lots of time on my hands and I've picked up drawing and photoing again.

These last few weeks, I've been doing a lot of reminiscing and remembering... it's really weird, I've dusted off a lot of really old and obscure memories of being a kid. I feel really grateful to have them back, actually. I thought I was going senile early, losing my memory.

I know mostly people want to know if I'm doing exciting things over here but for the most part it's been kind of like a retreat. Not working and not having familiar things and people around to distract me or take up my time has really forced me to pay attention to myself and it hasn't really been all that easy.

Sometimes this overwhelming sense of panic and dread bubbles up and I feel like I need to DO SOMETHING, ANYthing. I've found that not having a job to go to has really messed me up, and I never would have pinned myself as someone that needs to be kept busy. I'm usually pretty laid back and I'm able to float through time passively.

But I think I was and do put a lot of importance in the 9 - 5. (although, never had a 9 - 5 job...) And I think I was putting a lot of self worth into it as well. A huge part of that is, "What will people think?"

That's another big theme I've been picking out of a lot of areas in my life; the constant watching my step and looking over my shoulder, always wondering what people will think of each decision I make. Why does it matter so much to me? It always has, right back as far as I can remember. Those people who might be judging me have their own lives to live, mine was given to me so I could live it. It's that simple, but easier said than done.

Becoming a mid-twenties and making such a big change in my life has rocked the foundations of what and who I think I am and how I feel about it.

An important thing that this retreat has given me is the desire and joy I find in drawing, painting and being creative for my own sake.

I guess this is boring stuff, heh.

I've drawn up a picture of a couple childhood memories, I'll have to photograph them in for now because I don't have a printer/scanner yet.